A+T=Our Lovely Life: My heart sunk today.

Today I had my routine 20 week ultrasound (a week early) to check all the anatomy of my babe and make sure everything was on track as far as growth. Austin is working up north so as sad as I was that he had to miss it, i was also so excited to see his tiny body squirming around.
She started by showing me his face, and sure enough everything was there. Perfect little face. He was positioned so his spine was up and curled in a little ball, one leg tucked under his bum and one foot clear up by his elbow. One hand on his face (just like last time) and one arm tucked by his belly.
She showed me his heart, measured his heartbeat at 152 bpm which is perfect. Then she said, "I really am trying to get him to roll over so I can get a better picture of his heart. He's in a position that I can't really see the arteries and that's something we need to check." So she has me rolling from side to side and can't get a clear picture. She then shows me all his stats, he's measuring 2 days bigger than the predicted date, he's in the 53% of head size and weight which is perfect and everything looks great..."but he does have a little calcium deposit in his heart."

It took a minute to sink it. I was trying to be really brave. She continued to say that it should just dissolve on its own, and where his heart is so tiny (about the size of your pinky fingernail) it's hard to see the arteries and so for that reason alone I'd like to do another scan in 4 weeks to check that and we'll also track the size of the deposit. Ok. So I ask if this is common? She says she sees it about once a week. So....not too common but not unheard of. She says I shouldn't worry about it, we'll monitor it and it should just dissolve. I ask what happens if it doesn't dissolve? She said they don't know because they haven't had a baby be born with it yet. Phew. So that made me feel better.

She then tells me Dr. Lunt will be calling me tonight or tomorrow to follow up on the ultrasound. I feel ok then she says, "or would talking to him now help you feel better?" Before I can answer I'm in a full blown crying fit. Like it all just sunk in a one moment that there is something abnormal in my baby's heart. His tiny, tiny heart. And although she's telling me it's nothing to worry about... I can't help but worry.

Dr Lunt came in and explained again that the growth is not uncommon and it is nothing to worry about. I felt ok when I left but I called Austin as soon as I got out the door and lost it all over again. Still as I'm typing this, I am crying. I feel reassured that this is not going to be any harm to our babe, but it's just the thought that there could possibly be anything wrong is absolutely terrifying.

I am a mom, and I feel it now. There is nothing I wouldn't do for the well being of this unborn child. I love him.

So for the next 4 weeks, I'll be praying...and probably worrying.