Colby Rulon Smith...aka Betty, Colbetty, Colbester, Roo, Roobow...etc etc etc

February 20, 1986- October 20, 2010

 Live in Love

Let me give a little background info to begin. My sister is Cherie...AKA Lynn (probably what I'll refer to her as more) She is 2 years older than me, and we are best friends. Growing up we fought like any sisters would, but could always rely on each other for comfort or to keep our biggest secrets. When Cherie was 15 she was quite the little wild child, running around with the party peeps and I was the exact opposite. She met Colby Smith at a party (I believe). Little did she know, this new crush of hers would turn into a 7 year relationship. 
When I met Colby, I instantly loved him (brotherly like). Colb wasn't always the best kid in the world...I mean he was quite the rebel child. I think this is one reason my sweet little innocent sister fell for him so hard. They were completely inseparable. They were young and in love and no one could get in the way of what they wanted. Cherie, Colb and I were really super close. Like, I was the 3rd wheel ALL the time. And I loved it. We would be the goofiest people together. He would do anything to make us laugh. Like the one time...Colby was doing a toe touch far better than any cheerleader i've seen in my dad's basement and jumped so high he cracked the ceiling with his head! Woops! haha we laughed so hard. (Sorry dad, cracked ceiling is still there).
Sometime late 2005 Cherie and Colby got an apartment together in PG. Cherie was working at a dentist office in Alpine, and it was not unusual for us to have lunch dates. One day she called me and said, "Dad and I are going to lunch today, do you want to come?". I don't know what it was, but somehow I just knew. I said..."Lynn are you pregnant??". She was silent. She was terrified to tell my dad and wanted me to be there with her. Remember how I said Colb wasn't always the best kid? Ya, well dad felt the same way. And he's super protective of us girls. But my dad was happy for them. One thing that has always stuck with me that my dad said is... "A baby is never a burden. They're always a blessing".
Through Cherie's pregnancy we became the best of friends. I was so excited to be having a niece! I spent most days at their house and would just bug the crap out of her belly...singing, poking, talking etc. 
Aysha Lynn Smith was born on November 13, 2006. One of the best days of my life (along with my other 4 nieces and nephews bdays of course).
Life for Cherie and Colby wasn't always easy. They had their ups and downs, but through and through they loved each other deeply. 
I'm not sure of the exact month/date but sometime 2009 they split. Their relationship wasn't working for them anymore, but they stayed close friends. (Props! Not many people can do this).
After this I didn't see or talk to Colby a whole lot. I ran into him a few times at a bar and we would chat and hug and exchange numbers. He was the sweetest person I knew. He had the biggest heart. I can still remember the exact way he'd hug me and pat the top of my head. I'm so glad I had these few short moments with him.
Fast forward October 20, 2010. It was about 7 am and my phone was silenced because I wanted to sleep in. Somehow I heard it ringing anyway. I saw "Lynn" on the screen and I just knew. I answered and I'm pretty sure the first thing I said was, "Lynn, what's wrong". Before she answered my heart was already in a panic. She said, "Tor, Colby passed last night. He over dosed. Aysha is right here so I'm trying not to cry in front of her, she doesn't know yet." She was calm. I was not. I told her I'd be right there. She asked me to try not to cry in front of Ayshy because she could tell something was going on and was worried. (Ayshy was 3, almost 4, at this time and was so in tuned with everyone's emotions). I ran out the door without even brushing my hair or my teeth. The first person I called was Austin. (This was all happening when I was also involved with D....Didn't call him...my heart went to Austin). He was able to somewhat calm me down, and was headed home from work to be with me. When I got to Cherie's house I walked in and there was my little Ayshy bug. Her sweet little round face and big blue eyes. I just grabbed her and hugged her. She hugged back and didn't say a word. It was almost like she knew she needed to comfort me...as I was trying to comfort her. I held back my tears the best I could. 
That day, I was in a fog. It was like reality kept hitting me over and over, then I'd be ok. I wanted to do something to honor Colby's life. I loved him like my own brother, and even though over the previous year we hadn't been as close as we were before, my heart was shattered. My family is amazing. We were all together that day and had come up with the idea of doing a Night of Remembrance. Between us all, we pulled it together in one day. I sent out a mass text text and invited anyone who would want to come show their support. We had a great turn out. 
One thing about Colby...he was the life of the party. He may have been a ding-a-ling from time to time, but everyone loved him. He was everybody's best friend. He had the biggest heart, and the one thing he always wanted was for everyone to get along (our family and his). There was drama...that doesn't need to be discussed... between us all over the years. When his family and his girlfriend Holladay showed up at my dad's house that night, I was so overwhelmed. It was everything Colby had ever wanted...everyone he loved under one roof. There were many many tears and laughs that night. It was amazing to see so many people there at his viewing and funeral...people of every kind. He was not one to judge. He had a spot in his heart for any person who walked into his life. His motto was "live in love" and that's just what he did.
It has been hard on all of us to be without him. Our little bug definitely has an angel watching over her. She has her up days and down days. She's been through a lot in her short little life, but one thing is for sure...she is so much like her daddy and loves the same way he did. We are all so blessed to have her in our lives. 
To my sweet niece if you ever read this:
Your daddy taught me so many life lessons and brought so much laughter and happiness to my life. I am so thankful your mommy and daddy brought you into my life as my niece...my little bug. I love your smiling face. Thank you for always being so strong and comforting me, even though you've been going through so much more than me. Live in Love my beautiful Ayshy.

[Colby, Aysha and Cherie. Guessing early 2009]

[He would HATE  me for this...but prime example of his goofy personality]

[I believe this was Colby's last birthday. February 20, 2010]

[I love this picture. Thank you Holladay for taking sooo many pictures!]

[Remember this photo?? Yes. Oct 20. I love this picture of us, I think mostly because of the meaning behind it. Austin was there for me through all of this and I needed him. He was the greatest support. He didn't know Colby but he would just listen and hold me while I cried, or laughed and talked and talked and talked about him. So great]

[Colb's night of remembrance. We made a memory jar for Aysha that everyone could leave a memory, note or picture for her]

[l<3ve]

[Aysha and Colby's mom, Lorie, looking at pictures of Colby. So touching]

[Colby's family at the night of remembrance. I love this]

[Brian, Matt and Cobly. This just makes my heart happy. lol it just shows the fun]

[Holladay, Colby and Aysha at the carnival]

[RIP Colby Rulon Smith. Always in my heart]

 

Just thought I'd...

Throw in a few of my favorite pics from 2010.

[cherie's 24 birthday. snowbird. the first pic of aust and i together]

[opening day of the archery hunt 2010. i LOVE austin's passion for hunting]

[the sunrise on that same hunt. seriously breathtaking. picture doesn't do it justice] 

[the first time we went out around our friends 'together'. kesli and chase's bachelorette/bachelor party. fun night!]

[this is one of my all time favorite pictures of us together. actually, stay tuned...i need to blog about this one]

[one of the hardest times in my life. my sweet niece aysha lost her daddy on oct. 20, 2010]

From Bliss to Craziness to Bliss...Again

me, crazy?? Oh yes...

At this point in our relationship, we were completely content. While living in the Lehi house we had kind of fallen into this 'married life' routine. Work, dinner, gym, sleep. Not to say this was a bad routine or caused any sort of problems, because quite honestly I love spending time doing absolutely anything or nothing at all with Austin.
Remember how I mentioned I was a little insecure in the last post? Ya, well I was. With everything. Looking back it seems like starting during my first marriage and the next 2+ years, I had lost myself...my true self. 
Sometime around May/June of 2011 I started questioning everything in my life...why you ask? Well, I loved (subconsciously) to make everything as complicated as it could be, and having this stable relationship with Aust was making me unstable. Confused yet?   I had all these what-if about that off and on ex I mentioned... was it really the best choice for me to not move? That ex...I'll call D. Before Austin and I had started dating, D and I had decided to give it one last real shot. I decided I would move to Las Vegas and transfer at Costco. I moved a bunch of my stuff to his house being hopeful it would all work out. And it didn't. After I broke up with D, I never got my stuff back. I didn't want to bother with it...until we moved to Lehi and we decided we needed a lot of that house stuff that I had moved. So I contacted D to get it back. This is what triggered my what-ifs. If I had known what getting my stuff back was going to do to mine and Austins relationship, I would have kissed it all goodbye and bought brand new. This is where this girl really gets crazy...
One night while I was out with my friends I had a total break down. I told them how I was so confused and how I felt like I had no closure with D and what if I wasn't ready to be done...and so forth. I realized at this point I needed to talk to Austin about it and figure out what I needed to do. He was so sweet to me.. I don't know why. He was ready to stick by my side and help me figure out what was best for me and for us. I felt like the craziest person. I would just cry all day long. And this is so unlike me... I have always known exactly what I want and have always had this confidence about my life. 
To sum it all up... I ended up moving back to my dad's and felt like I HAD to give it another shot with D or I would never know what could've been and never ever ever get over him. wrong. I honestly HATE this chapter in my life. I was so unsure of who I was and that caused complete heart ache for Austin, D and myself. Austin was still living with Chance and Laura in Lehi. I felt like Chance had totally taken his "side"...stupid right? It seriously hurts my heart to think back to this time. Austin was so sad and so confused. If I were him I would've shut him out of my life and never spoke to him again for the hurt it caused. But he didn't. Every time I talked to Aust, he would tell me he knew I would come back and he would try to be patient for that day. In my heart I felt like this was true, but I thought I had to KNOW it wouldn't work with D for me to move on. 
I had gone camping with D one weekend in September. I woke up one day and had a total change of heart. It hit me like a ton of bricks... Being with D was really NOT for me. I couldn't wait to drive home to have time to think, alone. I started sobbing when I got in my car and the second I got service I text Austin this..."Do you miss me?" A: "Tori that's a dumb question. You know I do." (Austin says when he got that text from me he just knew in his heart we were going to work out).
Soon after this I decided I needed some counseling. The lady I went to was awesome. She helped me see things about my life in such a different light. Things I already knew, but could see from a different angle and it truly changed my life. This is when I started finding ME again. With her help, I was ready to let go and move on from D for good. It felt like a thousand pounds was lifted from me the exact day I decided I was done. 
Thankfully, Austin didn't hate my guts after all I'd put him through and we gave it another shot. Since then our relationship has honestly been so much deeper.
Fast forward a few months...July 2012. Austin's dad has been involved in a golf course development in Apple Valley (near St. George), so we decided to move down here and have loved it! The development was supposed to start back in March...still hasn't...and we're totally OK with it. If it does, great. If not, great. This is exactly where we are supposed to be right now. It's the first time we've lived just us 2 and it's been so amazing for our relationship. 
On September 25 we got engaged :) I swear, I could not be any happier. I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us. I love this man with all my heart and soul. 

Thank you babe for believing is us when I didn't, we wouldn't be where we are today if you had given up. I love you sugs!!

Dating life for us Love Birds

The bliss and the ugly...

Because... I would be LYING if I said from that moment I realized we had this great connection, to the point we are now has been smooth and wonderful and all this happy mushy gushy stuff. Yes, I am going to include the not so pretty and not so happy times that we've been through..that is what has truly made us, US. BUT I will also include all the blissful times too :)

As I mentioned before, I was really super hesitant to even start "talking" to Aust...for a few reasons. (I am going to be brutally honest in this post. There are things I will post that I am glad are in the past. Judge me if you must) 

Reasons being:

A) I was pretty involved in a long distance relationship again that had been off & on since age 15.

B) And by pretty involved I mean I had put in for a transfer at Costco so I could move and be closer to this person.

C) I was unsure of where Austin stood in his relationship.

D) That relationship ^ was with someone I had known for a long time.

E) Austin and my brother are great friends... This has ups and downs I'll elaborate on later.

F) My divorce had only been final for about 8 months and I had this gut feeling if I gave it a shot with Austin it would turn into a serious relationship...I wasn't sure at that time if I was ready for that.

So, I forgot to mention...That breakfast "date" we had was also with our good friend Danielle...and he made me pick him up. Isn't that his job?! Well, I didn't care because this was just 3 friends having breakfast, right?? After breakfast I dropped Austin off at his house and we immediately started texting, just small talk...all day long. At the time he was working in Green River doing construction so during that week he could only text me on his lunch break and after he got off work. Much to my surprise that Friday night he asked me to "hang out"...because officially asking a girl on a date these days is soooooo uncool haha. We went to Tepanyaki, then to the drive-in. I can't even tell you what movie played because we spent the whole time silly flirting and talking. It was like Jr High all over again...I was soo nervous and he didn't even hold my hand! Aust went back to Green River that week and I kept finding myself thinking about him and wanting to talk to him every chance I could. SHIT. This was not supposed to be happening. I was having real feelings for this guy who I have known for years, might be off and on with his relationship, and I was trying to move out of this state. (PS looking back it's so clear to me how things happen the exact way that they should, because prior to this I was unconsciously making every excuse not to move). 

I started to shut off from Austin. I honestly tried to just push all my feelings aside and go with what I thought was "right". I knew if I acted on my feelings it would create a lot of drama in my life. 

One night while 'avoiding' Austin I found myself texting him all night again and he had asked me to meet him by his cabin the next day and we would look for deer. (romantic right?! lol) I said OK. The next morning I told Chance where I was going and he's like..."You do know that's like a 2 hour drive right?" Ummm...no! And at this point Austin had no service and wouldn't all day, so I couldn't make up some dumb excuse of why I wasn't going to come because he would've sat there at the waiting spot probably until he was so mad he wouldn't ever speak to me again. So I went.

On this little adventure I remember just blurting out, "I don't know if it's a good idea for us to hang out anymore". He asks why. I start ranting on about how I don't want to deal with the drama from my friends and I know his ex still has feelings for him and it's just so complicated and I'm supposed to be moving and....so on and so on. I'm pretty sure at this point he thought I was the craziest person but just laughs and says, "Tori, we're just hanging out. Who cares if there's drama." (This is one quality I absolutely love about Austin. He lives from his heart. He is so true to himself...and helps me to be when I'm acting like a crazy)

From this day on we were pretty inseparable, although to everyone but my family I tried to keep this a secret. This sounds so horrible. And it was. I was living in a world of anxiety and hated it. One day sometime in October, we were saying our goodnights...and BAM! Austin drops the "L" word on me...though A TEXT!!! I still tease him for this. I wanted to say it back (in person) because that's truly how I was feeling, but with everything else going on in life I knew it wasn't the right time. It wasn't until early November that I officially broke off my long distance relationship. At that exact moment I told myself I was 100% committed to Austin and was ready to move forward with our relationship... I was finally able to tell him how much I was in LOVE with him too :) All of our friends were beginning to hear that we were 'together' and it really did cause a lot of drama. I felt like...there's no way I'm not going to be with Austin just because he dated someone I knew before me...my feelings are real people, I couldn't deny them. I was willing to let go of anyone who wouldn't support my happiness. And yes, there were definitely those awkward moments because we have such a tight knit group of friends, but we didn't care. The saying "you find out who your friends are" rang so true.

I wanted us to be this 'perfect couple' (if there ever was such a thing). At the time we were so comfortable, I felt like we were so connected and knew everything about each other. Now looking back, yes we were definitely connected but still growing as a couple. I was so insecure...about everything in my life. I ALWAYS thought Austin was talking to other girls, or lying or hiding something. It was like I was digging to prove myself right. (this is part of the stuff  I said you may or may not judge me for). I would make a big deal out of everything and it caused a lot of fights between us. And one time... he had left his facebook page open at my house and I looked. WHY would I look? Did I mention I was really super insecure??  I saw something I totally didn't want to see. I blew up. I thought "Ok I just changed my whole life plan for this guy and he's like 10 steps in the other direction". I freaked out and our relationship was OVER! For a day. After I calmed down, I had to be real with myself .. I just ended my other relationship like a month ago and I'm acting like he's the bad guy here. How could I even expect him to be all in like I was ready to be when I was the one being so unfair for those first few months?? We talked...and kissed and made up.

This is when we started gaining trust in each other, in my opinion. I knew I had to let go of everything in the past and so did he. And we did. From that day forward we found respect for each other and our relationship. It was huge. We were on cloud nine and spent every waking second possible together. 

Austin unofficially lived at my dad's with me. Little by little his things started finding their new home in my closet and dresser lol. Chance and Laura were also living at my dad's at the time and we were all best friends. We did everything together. The best times we ever had were right there at my dad's house, us 4, laughing it up. I was completely HAPPY  with every aspect of life for the first time in a long long time. The 4 of us thought it was about time to grow up and get our own place. 

We moved to Lehi in March 2011 to the most perfect house for us. We were so excited to have our own place that Laura and I moved everything we could lift and fit in our cars while the boys worked and they got the last few loads. That night we had nothing set up so we all slept on the family room floor :) Makes me smile looking back!

I'll stop here because the next part of our relationship is going to take a lot of explaining on my part. And I'll try my very best to be completely honest!

I PROMISE  not every post will be this long after I get our relationship story out of the way!

*While writing this I am realizing... I'm adding another reason for "blogging". I think one day our kids can look back at this and get our full story and appreciate that relationships take work and if you're true to yourself and each other you will find true love and happiness :)

 

The Beginning

I love our "story". It's kind of messy but that is what makes it so great. So here it goes...

Austin and I never went to the same school. Back in 9th grade gym class I distinctly remember my friend talking about "the hottest guy" that lived by her and went to PG. Turns out that hot babe I'd never met (yet) was Austin. 
Austin and I cannot remember how we met... weird right?? I mean, I remember the silliest things from clear back when, but for the life of me I can't remember the first time I saw Austin or how we even came to exchange phone numbers. We shared a lot of mutual friends, and when we get talking about the past we're often like 'hey, I was there that night!' or 'so and so was like my best friend', but we can't ever remember meeting until 10th grade (2004). We've kind of come to the conclusion that we met through our friends Nate Creer and Ashleigh Bucceri.
I'd love to say that we had this cute little fling, but that's not how I remember it. My first memory of Austin is us parked at Cedar Ridge Elementary and making out in his truck...haha. I was totally crushing on Austin...I mean who wouldn't?? Hot baseball player that went to a different school?! Duh! And this is where we disagree on our 'story'. Austin totally used me as a make-out buddy. I wanted to hang out with him outside of the elementary parking lot and he blew me off. I was so mad and we quit talking. He's CONVINCED it was the other way around and when he asked to hang out I told him I had a boyfriend. So you can choose your side ;)
After our sophomore year fling we went our separate ways. He graduated from PG and I from Lone Peak. At that time we had completely different friends and never hung out. I went to college at UVU and lived with my friends in Lehi, while Austin had moved to Arizona to play baseball at Chandler Gilbert. I believe this is about the time when my brother, Chance, started hanging out with Austin randomly. During these years our only connection was being 'facebook friends'.
Fast forward to 2010. At this time we had many mutual friends again and Austin was starting to hang out with Chance more often. We were both in and out of relationships with other people, so in June when he'd asked me to hang out I kept blowing him off thinking he was going to get back with his ex any day now. On the 4th of July, he'd asked me to hang out and I told him I was hanging out at my house with my family. Wellll.... my friend Brie was there with me and little to my knowledge she was texting Nic. She asked if it'd be ok if he came over. I said sure! Then I asked who he was with... "Austin and Carson". I was so embarrassed that I'd told him I wouldn't hang out with him, but he ends up at my house anyway...lol. We hung out all night and the next morning went to breakfast. At breakfast was the first time I realized I had a connection with Austin again.
And that, my friends, is how My Love and I got reconnected after 6 years. Stay tuned for the next post...Our dating life! Trust me, it gets interesting...to say the least.

Welcome...

To our blog!

 I've been wanting to keep a blog for quite a while now, but due to my lack of knowledge on blogging (besides stalking a few of my fav blogs) I have been avoiding it until now...1 am and unable to sleep. If anyone decides to read about our story, great! If not, also great!
The reasons for finally creating a blog for us:
1) To document our life together
2) I've tried documenting our life by creating memory boxes every year...darling idea, but honestly I rarely make time to sit and hand write everything I want to remember about 'us'
3) I've also made a calendar that hangs by our bedroom door with a pen attached so I can quickly jot down things I need to write and put in the memory box...never happens.
4) I LOVE reading friend's blogs... 
5) Let's face it, typing on my laptop (which is used daily) is MUCH easier than searching for a pen, writing on note cards and putting them in the cute little boxes which took hours to make.

So there you have it, my entirely too long welcome post. Please bare with me while I learn about blogging and how to spruce it up!